Lost Identity

I recently started counseling because I felt it was long overdue. My heart has always told me it needed healing, my soul needed revamping, and my spirit rejuvenation but I had ignored the needs for what seems to be an eternity. Somehow the year 2020 has managed to put a microscopic lens on everything including my life. Things have indeed slowed down as the world tries to tackle the invasion called Corona Virus (Covid-19). I found myself watching my life as it played in slow motion and I realized my issues were bigger than what I thought, and that emotional healing was the only antidote.

Hence the quietness and stagnation of life in 2020 propelled me to place a magnifying glass on me. And for the first time in my life I mattered. This is in hindsight because when I made the first booking with the Psychologist, it wasn’t me I was thinking of, but through this action, I realized that I took the first step to put me first. Healing me first before I can try to heal the world. Loving me first in order to love my children, my family, and the world right.

somewhere along my journey of life things became derailed and I lost me. If I am, to be honest, I don’t think I ever knew me. I think the ‘me’ was lost before I set my sights on earth before I left my mother’s womb. Glimpses of whom I am supposed to be, have always surfaced sporadically along my journey but being who I am, not knowing who I should be, I pushed all the signs of greatness aside and put everyone and everything before me. My children mattered more than I did, my husband mattered more than I did, my mother mattered more than I did and the world’s opinion of me mattered more than my opinion of myself. The voice in my head was easily quietened by the whispers and gossips, sometimes perceived by me, as my paranoia reigned havoc.

I chose a life of seclusion and lived in solitude in my own introvert created world with only my children, my husband, books, and TV as my best friends. Stepping into the world was the toughest decision I had to make every day as life beckoned and forced me to interact. Faking a smile and an allure of confidence as I was forced to converse with strangers, some very friendly and others so hostile was the most difficult thing I had to do every day as I forced myself to live and not become a prisoner of my own accord.

All this I thought was normal until my 2nd session of counselling where the Psychologist decided to put on the doctor’s hat and diagnose me instead of listening to me. unequivocally, he told me that (a) I was stuck in the past. The world has been moving on but I am not. (b) I don’t have an identity except for one; that I was an adopted child, and that is the era where my life is stuck. (c) I had the biggest ‘wall’ he had ever seen. So big even the Berlin wall looks minuscule compared to it.

I left the session very angry. I tossed and turned the whole night as sleep eluded me and anger consumed my being. It was only when the orange hue of dawn approaching that I succumbed and let sadness envelop me. I was sad because I realized that all that was said was true. I knew it all along but I was angry because I felt violated. I felt like my secret came out despite going to great lengths to protect it.

Truth be told, I don’t know who I am. I find myself in my 40’s and still struggling to answer the”who are you” question. I know I am a mother, and probably one of the best because my children are what puts a smile on my face, they are what makes my heartbeat and my stomach flatter with butterfly wings like vibrations….. They are love personified and I live and breathe their existence but I never realized that motherhood is part of my identity, that it’s the ‘me’, the who I am. I have just been stuck in an era, that of my adoption as a 6 months old baby, and whilst I was sitting gloomily crying poor soul, the world was moving on and I was left behind.

I just woke up from this horror and momentarily I was scrambling to play catch up but then it dawned on me that I don’t have to. The pressure is unnecessary so I am going to take this thing called life one step at a time and slowly unravel the mystery that is me. I am confident that I will find me, and although the package has been wrapped in an ugly torn wrapping paper, the package itself is beautiful and to be marveled as greatness and my identity walk hand in hand.